Daized

The last couple of days/weeks have been brutal. Lauren has been extremely well behaved, but things to do with my Brother have not been so wonderful.. I don't really know where to begin, but the in the last while my life has been turned completely upside down. My cousin Bev whom I used to be very close with has totally disowned me as her family member. She said that my Brother was a disgrace to God and humanity itself. Then she called me a life wrecker for having a child so young. She brought me to tears as she ranted on and on about how I was incapable of raising my daughter, and that I should have done the right thing and given her up for adoption. She said so many hurtful words that have been haunting me ever since. I feel like I'm numb. My whole family is falling apart.

Guilt is a disease.

Today has been a very slow moving day, I stayed home all day doing school while Lauren played with her toys and watched a few Disney Movies. I had such trouble focusing, all I could think about was my brother and Dawson McGuire. My Mother has gone into a slight depression since. Last night she went over to the McGuire's home and apologized for what my brother had done. The McGuire's accepted her apology and said that they did not blame her at all. The McGuire's are a very good family, I feel for them terribly. I haven't spoken to my brother since this all came out. I didn't do anything wrong at all, but for some reason I feel guilty whenever I see the McGuire's. Their oldest daughter Kenya has babysat Lauren for me a couple of times when I have had to go into school for exams. I don't think that I would feel comfortable asking her again. I am so mad at my brother, but at the same time I feel sorry for him. I know for a fact that he did not wake up that morning planning on killing a child. It was a terrible accident, I just wish that he would've stopped instead of driving away in a panic.

What goes around, comes around.

Yesterday was a very long and drawn out day. Probably one of the worst by far.. One year ago a boy that lived on our street was killed, he was only 7 years old. He was outside on the road playing basketball. It was late out, very dark when a car drove by and accidentally hit him. We all heard the crash, it was so loud it woke Lauren up and brought her to tears. Everyone ran outside to see that the little boy, Dawson McGuire had been hit. He was killed instantly, his ribs broke and pierced his heart. The person who hit Dawson did not stop to see if he was ok, he kept on driving. They never caught the person who murdered Dawson. If the person who hit Dawson would have stopped and made sure he was alright, it would have been considered a terrible accident. But the second that person drove away, it was immediately considered murder. Last night the person who killed Dawson turned himself in. That person is my older brother. I couldn't believe it when I heard. My brother couldn't stand the guilt any longer, he had to confess. My parents are crushed, I am so surprised that my brother would commit such a crime. I know it was an accident, but he should have stopped. My brother now has to spend 4 - 7 years in prison. He is 31 years old and has two kids of his own. The thought of my brother possibly spending 7 years in prison makes me sick. I feel so sorry for my sister in-law and my nephews. But I feel even more sorry for Dawson's family. My brother took the life of an innocent child, Dawson's family will never get their little boy back. My brother's family will..

The Mommy Dot.

The past few days have definitely been a challenge. The other night Lauren and I watched 101 Dalmatians. It turned out to be a bad idea, Cruella Deville said the word 'idiot' many times and Lauren has been repeating it ever since she saw the movie. I do not want my daughter calling people names such as that, so everytime she says 'idiot' she get's put in time-out for an extra minute. I've explained to her that 'idiot' is a very bad word and that she is never to say it to anyone or she will be in big trouble. I've also been trying out a new thing called 'The Mommy Dot.' It's been working really well. When Lauren gets in trouble, sometimes she lies. So I told her that every little girl has a Mommy Dot. When the little girl lies or does something bad, a red dot appears on her forehead that only Mommies can see. When I told Lauren her eyes went as wide a saucers! When ever she does something bad, she either tells the truth, or puts her hand over top of her forehead! It's so cute, and it's also really working! Even though being a 16 year old Mom isn't always easy, I am loving every second of it. Today Lauren and I are going to our very first 'Mommy and Me' Swimming Lesson. I am so excited, I hope Lauren loves swimming as much as I do. I also hope that the other Mom's accept me, I know I'll get a lot of weird looks being so young and having a two year old, but it's worth it. I love Lauren, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Long day.

Today has been by going very slowly. Lauren had a Doctors appointment at noon, so I had to miss school. She threw her very first temper tantrum today in the waiting room at the Doctors office. I have to say, I was a bit stunned. I was by myself, I took the bus in with Lauren because both of my parents were working and I hate to ask my Grandmother to drive me around everywhere. Everyone in the office was staring at me, it was so hard to get Lauren under control. She was hungry and I didn't have any snacks for her. I don't blame her, I was hungry too. I should've came prepared. To get her to stop I had to tell her that we would go to Subway after and she could get a meal with a toy. One elderly lady in the waiting room asked me if I was her Mother. I told her I was. She asked how old I was, I said 'sixteen'. She seemed so surprised. She smiled on the outside, but I could tell that in the inside she was thinking that I was crazy for having a two year old at such a young age. I'm so sick of being judged, but I guess that is what I get for being so irresponsible at the age of 14. I love Lauren, but sometimes I wish that I could wait and have her when I was much older. Anyways, Lauren's Dad is coming by in an hour to have lunch with us. So I'd better go and prepare something eatable.

My Story

The future is always changing. Every second it differs from the previous second. You create your own future, it is all up to you. If you make mistakes, you have to live with them. When I was 14 years old, I made a mistake. I had sex for the very first time. I was young and inexperienced. I didn't realize what could be. I was living in the moment. I thought sex was no big deal. Four months later I started to notice many strange changes in my body. For one, I had gained weight. Two, I was experiencing very unusual pains in my uterus. Three, I hadn't gotten my period in a very long time. My Mom took me to to the doctor and we soon discovered that I was with child. I didn't get it, my boyfriend told me that the first time you had sex you didn't get pregnant. Well, turns out he lied. I was expecting a child in five months. I was terrified and my Mom was so disappointed in me for not telling her that I had sex. My Mom pulled me out of school and made me start homeschooling. My Dad was furious. He wasn't as mad at me, as he was at my boyfriend. When I told my boyfriend he was so shocked that he broke down in tears. He apologized for lieing to me, but that wasn't enough. I needed help, I didn't want to give the baby up. That wasn't something that I could live with for the rest of my life. He promised to stay with me through it all. That made me feel a little bit better. When I told my friends they were very supportive. But some of their parents wouldn't let them hangout with me anymore because they said that I was a bad influence. At first I didn't see that it was such a big deal that I was pregnant. Everyone has babies eventually. Well, to keep a long story short. Five and half months later my daughter Lauren Madison Smith was born. 7 pounds, 6 ounces. It was love at first sight. I didn't want to ever let her out of my arms, or sight. Now, two years later I am sixteen, I have a two year old daughter, and no boyfriend. He couldn't take the stress. His family sends me monthly child support checks, and he sees Lauren every once and a while. You're probably wondering why I'm sharing this with the blogging community. I want to share my story with you all, so won't make the same mistake I did. I love my daughter more than words can explain. But in reality, I am way too young to be a Mother. Right now I may not realize it, but I am going to miss out on a lot in life. I'm going to try and be the best Mother possible and give Lauren the life she deserves. I'm still living at home with my Mom and Dad, they love Lauren, she is their whole world. But, they are too young to be Grandparents. But this is just something that I am going to have to live with, I'm going to have to make the best of my situation. I am still in home schooling, and I plan on going to University. I'm going to get best career for me, and hopefully meet a man who is right for me and Lauren, and get married. I have made myself a promise that I will not date anyone until my schooling is all done, and definitely not have sex for a very long time. I do not drink, smoke or do anything that could affect my daughter in the long run. I have had to do so much growing up in the past two years, more growing up than any child should have to do.. My Grandmother told me something that really made me think. She said 'Alianna, I love you to death. But this is going to be hard.. You're a baby, raising a baby. While Lauren is growing up, you will also be growing up. While she is maturing, you will also be maturing. But I have so much faith in you, I know you will do your best and succeed.'